brightened as deciduous trees shifted
green to orange to spiral down
citrus is ripe in winter a fruit
that does not match its season
I always feel loss when summer slips away
I dry the flowers my fiancé gives
tie them in ribbon bouquets hang dry
arrange them in glass vases collect
shriveled petals in coffee mugs
preserve the way I feel in
moments of exhilaration
his name in my mind and I smile
then comes the sinking feeling
this cannot last nothing lasts
patterns are relentless
half moon warm in the sky
nectar bursting orange slice
full moon cold hard like a dime
thin metal in my mouth
he lives in a millennial apartment
clay pots white planters waxy young leaves
the tetras in the aquarium
have some sort of degenerative disease
one died after months of eating
through a swollen mouth jaw flesh ballooning
now there is medicine in the tank
dyes the water sepia
still the fish are fat and energetic
even the things that die in his home
seem content loved
I thought everything I touched died
but the houseplant I bought two years ago
is still unfurling striped newness
how is it possible
to be incandescently happy yet wait
heart tight weighted stone on my chest
for the ending I never expect
even so many years later
it is hard to admit
my brother chose to leave us
he was a spiraled leaf a ripened fruit
a star already burned to dust
do people who decide to die
even choose anything
choice implies seeing more than one option
I am unsure which season
this is which phase of the moon
half dark or cloud covered or mostly glowed
one edge unclean faded soft
we absolve everyone of their choices
it just wasn't right it's not you it's me
but how far does it go
polished diamond centers sharp edges
my brother didn't mean to hurt us
but we carry tragedy now
a heavy container a solid stone
I don't think he meant to hurt us
I used to heave when I laughed
nausea in the back of my throat
capsule powder grainy thick
plastic casing dissolved on tongue heat
biting bitter still preferable to
nightmares where he appeared
superhero ghost runaway hideaway
curl sleep after gut sobs
ask my body to be kind to itself
I never thought I could be happy again
I was afraid of love watched
for signs of red horizons but
not everyone decides to leave
winter fog in the valley
settling white wispy cold
inside are colorful bulb lights
oversized blankets floor heaters
my lover asleep in my lap
we look for sun we have everything
winter fog in the valley
settling white wispy cold
inside are colorful bulb lights
oversized blankets floor heaters
my lover asleep in my lap
we look for sun we have everything
--Trianne H.F., Adult