Trying to sleep is a challenge
9 o'clock
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"Bedtime!" I say to myself.
Knowing that the sweet escape of sleep is awaiting me,
Eager to coddle me and tell me everything will be fine, just as a loving mother would to her infant whose screams of hunger and tiredness seem to be forming the words "I just want to be loved!"
Ready to erase the tainted memories of the previous 24 hours; wiping the white board of life clean so tomorrow's expo markers have a clean surface to deface once again with hateful words and stabbing insults, each creating a bigger mess than the last.
The sweet escape of slumber is so near, yet so far.
I simply cannot grasp it.
10 o'clock
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Thoughts are filling my head just as water fills the tub.
My eyes wide open once again as they pour in, becuase of course I have nothing better to think about than "Why did I tell John that his hair looked good when it was a total mess?"
Within my mind a NASCAR race takes place between each and every thought,
"54 suprasses 73 by a long shot! 67 coming around the bend fast!! And OH!! That's the checkered flag ladies and gentleman!
1st place! Car 54, driver 'Who have I allowed myself to become?' Followed by 73 then 67, driven by 'You're such a disappointment!' and 'You're still alive because????'"
11 o'clock
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I can finally feel myself drifting to sleep.
One shallow breath after another.
Each carrying a small portion of my sentience with it.
Eyes fluttering softly like a butterfly's wings as they dance seemingly effortlessly through the sky, carrying the creature from the start of their journey to the end
I tell myself "This will all be over soon. Close your eyes. It's bedtime."
I wake up!
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I wake up?
I look around in a morning daze trying to piece together my surroundings like an incomplete puzzle you buy from the thrift store.
You knew that it was missing pieces, yet somehow this wasn't the outcome you were expecting.
Reference image in hand, I search for the recognizable pieces in an empty box of explainations.
*knock knock*
An angel in white enters the room, and my face brightens
"Hello Mr. Doe, welcome back! You gave us quite the scare there"
My smile fades as i say,
"I just wanted to sleep"